♪
&gt;&gt; NARRATOR: This is Pina
Newman.
Two years ago, she was Peter.
(Baby crying)
&gt;&gt; My name is Pina Newman.
I'm 25 years old.
I grew up in Winnipeg with my
mom, my dad, and my two younger
sisters.
&g ;& t;
700,000.
Conservative by nature, and
with its long winters, a place
most kids grow up at the hockey
rink.
Pina Newman left Winnipeg three
years ago.
Now she's home for a visit.
Here, everyone knew her as
Peter, and she never liked
hockey, even though her parents
made her play.
As a little boy, Pina liked
pretending she was a little
girl.
&gt;&gt; Look at this, Pina.
&gt;&gt; MAN: Here's one that's in the
bath with a toy.
&gt;&gt; WOMAN: Well, this actually
began very young, and I can't
remember exactly when, but
certainly in the era of the
Ariel.
You know, The Little Mermaid.
Pina adored her.
&g ;& t;
didn't think anything of it.
&gt;&gt; I certainly saw the
stereotypical female play and
dress, and my take on it was
simply Peter had a female side.
It didn't strike me that Peter
was in any sense not a little
boy.
&gt;&gt; When I was four, I was really
envious of both my younger
sisters, and said, "Mom, why
can't I be a girl like my
younger sisters?"
And she said, "Well, you know,
like, we don't really encourage
that people change."
&g ;& t;
realize what she would say next
would dramatically change
Pina's childhood.
&gt;&gt; I remember saying to her,
"Well, you know, there are
people who decide that they were
born one way but they think
they're something else, so there
are boys that cut off their
penises and become girls."
&g ;& t;
Pina a chance to be the little
girl she always wanted to be.
&gt;&gt; I actually tried to remove my
penis.
I didn't succeed, but...
(Laughing)
&gt;&gt; I thought this would scare
the bejesus out of her, and...
it didn't.
She said that's what she wanted
to do.
And that frightened me terribly.
&g ;& t;
sent Pina to a psychologist.
&gt;&gt; I started going to
psychotherapy when I was 4 until
about 8.
But every time I entered that
room, it's kind of like a
repressed memory.
&g ;& t;
parents to keep her away from
her sisters' toys and
clothes.
&gt;&gt; This was my childhood room.
So as you can see there's an
array of ballet costumes that
were predominantly not mine.
They were predominantly my
sister's.
&g ;& t;
things boys like to do.
&gt;&gt; So my parents enrolled me in
sports instead of, say, ballet
or gymnastics, and they really
encouraged me to play with cars
or Transformers.
And they would only let me watch
Sailor Moon with my sisters if
I watched Gargoyles first.
(Laughing)
&g ;& t;
psychologist even though it
felt silly at times, even
wrong.
After all, he was the expert.
&gt;&gt; Sort of steering away from
the pink Transformer to the
yellow Transformer, because the
yellow is kind of more neutral.
I felt, okay, I can go to the
neutral.
I won't say, "You have to have
the blue one," but I said,
"Well, instead of the pink one,
how about the yellow one?"
Because to go-- It didn't feel
right in my gut.
&gt;&gt; I remember you telling me
about that specific example,
yeah.
&gt;&gt; As a mom, rightly or wrongly,
I want my kid to have what she
wants and what makes her happy.
So it was hard for me to take
that advice.
&gt;&gt; It didn't really feel like I
got to be me.
It felt like I had to play a
role.
(Sighing)
&gt;&gt; Discouraging to say the
least.
&gt;&gt; To hear that afterwards
really...
&gt;&gt; Let down.
&gt;&gt; Let down, yeah.
&gt;&gt; Well, we might have been
given different advice.
&gt;&gt; Who knows?
&gt;&gt; Who knows how things would
have turned out.
What the heck were we doing all
this time?
&gt;&gt; Yeah, yeah.
You can't go back.
&g ;& t;
back to visit her high school.
&gt;&gt; I thought I was only
destroying myself.
I didn't know I was destroying
my family too.
&gt;&gt; NARRATOR: Just two years ago,
Pina Newman was Peter Newman.
Now she's visiting friends and
family in her hometown of
Winnipeg, Manitoba.
It's a place where everybody
wanted and expected her to be a
boy, especially at school.
&gt;&gt; This is my school blazer.
(Laughing)
I hated this thing.
&g ;& t;
school too, even though it was
one of Canada's most
prestigious, with tuition at
almost $20,000 a year.
&gt;&gt; I came here in Grade 8.
Yeah, so lots of memories here.
Lots of crazy stories.
&g ;& t;
played football, but there was
another side to Pina.
&gt;&gt; PINA: I also had a lot of
substance abuse through high
school, and I never really
connected it to wanting an
escape or wanting to feel like
I was getting a release.
But looking back and reflecting,
you can definitely see I was
trying to escape the life I was
living, because it never felt
like I was actually living.
I came intoxicated to class
a lot.
Mm-hmm.
I remember one time I wrote a
math contest, and I was just on
all sorts of stuff, and it was
a provincial math exam and I had
completely forgotten about it.
I was so high on, like, four
pills of ecstasy.
And then after the 20 minutes of
writing this exam, I was done.
I was scribbling so fast, like,
"Fuck it!"
So I just went and I took
another pill.
I think I explained it away as
fun, but I think it was really
numbing.
To actually just have something
make you feel good when all you
do is feel confused and bad
about yourself.
It wasn't a healthy way, but it
was the only thing I knew how
to cope at that time.
&gt;&gt; I remember there was one time
you were sitting in the family
room, clearly coming down from
something, and I just thought
you were so far away from me,
how was I ever going to reach
you again?
And I really was fearful that
I'd lost my child completely,
and that was a very hard thing.
&gt;&gt; It's just I'm not that
person, and it hurts to know
that I've hurt my loved ones so
much.
I thought I was only destroying
myself.
I didn't know I was destroying
my family too, or my
relationship with my parents.
&g ;& t;
studied hairdressing and got a
job at this Winnipeg hair
salon.
She'd come out as gay, but
didn't tell anyone she wanted
to be a woman, especially after
meeting one of the transgender
clients at the salon.
&gt;&gt; She was very overdone with
the surgery, so she looked like
an inflatable Barbie doll.
And because she was so visible,
there was a lot of people making
fun of her.
And it's hard to develop a good,
positive image of trans people
when the ones who are visible
are ridiculed.
I just kept thinking, "I don't
want to be that person."
&g ;& t;
about Pina's inflatable Barbie
doll comment.
He didn't want her making fun
of clients.
&gt;&gt; Initially I was concerned
because the city's transgender
population is quite small, that
it wouldn't take much for
somebody to put two and two
together and figure out who
specifically Pina was referring
to.
&gt;&gt; This person, I know nothing
about them.
And whatever they've chosen for
their life is the right
decisions that they've made for
themselves, and that is by no
means wrong.
I just knew that wasn't what I
wanted for myself, necessarily.
So I'm definitely glad that we
get to clarify that, because I
never meant any harm to this
person, but definitely, looking
back, I need to be more careful
about some of the things that
come out of my mouth sometimes.
&g ;& t;
become a woman in Winnipeg,
but Toronto was different.
At 22, she moved there for
school, and this big life
change made the idea of being
a woman not feel so wrong.
&gt;&gt; PINA: I started to question
it a little bit more seriously,
where I would start asking
myself, why couldn't I just be
my sister?
Why couldn't I just be her?
And then I started thinking,
well, why can't I be more like
her?
Or why can't I feminize myself a
little bit?
&g ;& t;
about another transgender
woman.
Jenna Talackova entered the
Miss Universe Canada pageant.
She didn't win, but she made it
to the top 12.
&gt;&gt; ANNOUNCER: Jenna Talackova!
(Cheering)
&gt;&gt; I remember looking at her and
thinking this woman is just
very inspiring.
Look at her, doing what she
wants to do in this world
without being that image, the
only image that I had been
given.
So then to have these two people
on a completely different
level, it was like, well, if
there's two people who are so
different, there must be some
in the middle too.
Or there must be some over here
and even some over here.
So it made me realize I can't
focus on the one image.
&g ;& t;
parents would think about her
decision to become a woman.
&gt;&gt; I decided when I was 22, and
I remember telling my parents
over the phone, and I was so,
so nervous.
&gt;&gt; In a way I was kind of
relieved.
Okay, this is out in the open.
We're going to talk about this.
Things are different now.
We're going to deal with this.
I said before she left, "When
you were little, you told me
that you wanted to be a girl."
And I said, "Do you ever have
any thoughts like that now?"
&gt;&gt; And then I took it and ran.
At 22, I was like-- just said--
I was like no more.
No more putting up that wall.
I'm just going to do it.
&g ;& t;
two years ago.
That's when she changed her
name from Peter to Pina.
The first step was to block the
male hormone testosterone.
This decreased her muscle mass,
hair growth, and sex drive.
&gt;&gt; So I want testosterone
blockers so that the
testosterone that my body
naturally produces doesn't have
an effect on my body.
And then I take estrogen on top
of that so that I can have the
effects of estrogen as opposed
to testosterone.
&g ;& t;
taking estrogen was
psychological.
&gt;&gt; I remember just feeling oddly
calm, and I think it came from a
chemical balance.
I feel like inside that things
are actually the way they're
supposed to be.
It's a really strange feeling
and it's really hard to
describe, but you just kind of
physically feel it, and you
know, and you're like, "This
is right."
And then you just get more
validation from it, like, "I am
doing the right thing."
&g ;& t;
changes.
&gt;&gt; PINA: I noticed that my
hairline changed.
It started to fill in.
It wasn't like those deep
corners anymore, and I have
a lot of baby hair in there.
I noticed that my skin had a
different glow to it, almost.
I did develop some breast
tissue.
I definitely noticed that my
body composition's changed, so I
noticed that I carry extra
weight, or I carry more fat in
my legs and in my butt.
That's something that makes me
feel better, actually.
&g ;& t;
but estrogen wasn't enough to
completely feminize her body.
The next step was plastic
surgery.
She had her Adam's apple shaved
and breast implants.
&gt;&gt; That's pretty good.
Okay, take that again for a sec.
And how about your scars?
Are you putting anything on the
scars?
When a patient is taking hormone
replacement therapy, they may
develop some breast tissue, but
often it's not what we might
think of as normal breast
tissue.
It's more clumped in the centre
rather than uniformly
distributed through the breasts,
so often when you're performing
breast implant surgery on a
patient, you place the implant
and then you have to do some
work to get that amount of
tissue to distribute evenly over
the implant.
So when you're doing a breast
augmentation on somebody who has
been assigned male at birth, you
need to create a defined crease
in order to create a place for
the breast to basically sit.
I mean, that's one difference.
There can be differences in
muscle structure and muscle
tone.
Sometimes the muscle tone in an
assigned male is just stronger
and thicker of a muscle, just
genetically, than it is in an
assigned female.
Those can be things can impact
some degree on the planning of
your surgery.
&g ;& t;
the next step in their
transition is bottom surgery,
changing their genitals to
match the gender they identify
as.
For Pina, that would be
vaginoplasty, the removal of
her penis and testicles to
create a vagina.
But that's a step Pina's not
sure she's ready to take.
&gt;&gt; I've struggled internally
a lot about whether or not
bottom surgery is the right
thing for me.
And it's something I still
struggle with, and it's still
something that I think until
I'm 100% sure, I can't really...
I can't really be serious about.
But I think the important thing
to realize is that if you're a
female who has a penis, it
doesn't mean you're any less
female.
What a person needs to really
feel is, how do they feel most
comfortable in their body?
&gt;&gt; I have a picture on my phone
about what I did with my hair
for the wedding.
You look kind of nice, yeah.
&g ;& t;
sister has noticed a big
change.
For almost all her life, Pina
has been her brother, Peter.
And even though Pina now looks
very different, her sister says
the biggest change isn't
physical at all.
&gt;&gt; Whenever you're going through
a big change in your life, there
will be things that have to
change about your personality
for at least a temporary period
of time.
So it was never about, "I want
my sibling to be a boy," to be
able to have a boy in the
family, it was more about, "I
don't care if you want to be a
woman and you want to be my
sister, that's all fine and
dandy, but--"
&gt;&gt; You have to be a good person?
&gt;&gt; Yeah, exactly.
&gt;&gt; I know for a period of time,
like, I got super, super-- I was
super conceited and I really
made everything all about me,
and I know that that affected
our relationship, and I hope you
don't still feel that way about
me, because I feel like I've
been trying really hard to--
&gt;&gt; No, I've definitely seen that
growth, and I'm glad that you
were the one to say that instead
of me.
I feel like a TRESemmé
commercial.
(Laughing)
&gt;&gt; You start to live your life
and you start to go through the
process of really, like, living
differently.
Or not living differently, but
living more true to yourself.
It started to open up.
It's like, okay, well, it's not
just physically transitioning.
It's about really connecting
with myself.
&g ;& t;
new self, but her father still
struggles.
It's been only two years since
Peter became Pina, and the
disappearance of Peter is still
very fresh.
&gt;&gt; I still grieve.
(Sniffling)
I still grieve the loss of my
s--
I'm going to have to take a
break.
&gt;&gt; MAN: Yeah, we can take a
break, definitely.
&gt;&gt; And it seemed an awful lot
like the loss of my son.
And what Pina now says, looking
back, he put on an image of
being a happy little boy, but I
really got the sense that there
was some genuine joy.
I-- I obviously missed-- missed
a lot.
&gt;&gt; NARRATOR: Two years ago,
Pina Newman transitioned from
male to female.
That included taking female
hormones and getting breast
implants.
She was inspired by the first
transgender woman to compete
for Miss Universe.
&gt;&gt; ANNOUNCER: Jenna Talackova!
(Cheering)
&g ;& t;
third year of nursing at
Ryerson University.
But when she started, she
didn't feel very welcome.
&gt;&gt; When I started at Ryerson,
I was just-- I wasn't even on
hormone therapy yet.
I didn't know, like, what
washroom could be used, what
washroom's safe?
I was presenting in an
androgynous way, but if I were
to go in a female washroom I
would get stares, I'd have
people tell me I'm in the wrong
washroom.
I'd have people telling me I
couldn't be in there, but then
if I went into the men's
washroom, then, number one,
I feel like I'm not being true
to myself.
&g ;& t;
Pina looks like a "real woman",
but now that she can pass as
one, she no longer wants to.
&gt;&gt; A lot of times when I
communicate with people, and
they learn of my trans identity,
a lot of times people are like,
"Wow, I would never have known.
You look just like a real girl."
And before I took it as a
compliment, because I knew they
were trying to mean it as a
compliment, saying that I'm very
passable and they would never
have known.
But the more I started to look
at that comment, the more I
realized, like, that's actually
a very transphobic thing to say.
No matter what surgeries I have,
no matter what my hormone level
is, I will never be that.
And that's the thing, I don't
feel like I have to work towards
being that.
I like being trans and I like
identifying as trans.
I feel proud to be myself.
You don't, no.
It's just very candid.
&g ;& t;
one thing, but Pina still
worries if anyone else will be
proud to be with her.
Before she transitioned, she
was a gay man.
Now that she's female, she's
still attracted to men, but
she's experienced firsthand
what can happen dating guys as
a transgender woman.
&gt;&gt; The first relationship was
interesting because--
It was a real eye-opener because
it just-- it was-- I really
liked this guy.
He had a great job, he had some
ambitions for himself, but our
relationship never left my
apartment.
We never went out in public, and
that made me really realize
I can't be with this person,
because he doesn't want other
people to know that he's
attracted to me, and that he's
with me.
&g ;& t;
everyone to know exactly who
she is.
Before our camera stops
rolling, she wants to take off
her hair extensions and makeup.
She no longer needs her
family's approval, more
surgery, or even hair and
makeup to feel good about being
a transgender woman.
&gt;&gt; PINA: I needed to have my
hair done, I needed my makeup
done, to look as female as
possible, because I was so
uncomfortable, and now I've
gotten to the point where I can
speak openly that I'm accepting
that this is my face.
And if someone doesn't look at
me and see a female face, that's
fine for them to see, but for
me, I know my face is female,
and I know that I don't need to
alter it to maintain my
self-worth and my
self-confidence and my
self-esteem.
That's definitely the biggest
thing that I have to refocus on.
That's the change that I'm
making right now.
Realizing I'm enough.
I am; I am enough.
♪